How my grubby toddler will make me rich

by Eve, in Parenting (2 Comments)

Timmy tells me, through the medium of some sort of sign language blended with interpretive dance, the greatest terror a toddler can be faced with is a bath. And when he saw the above picture, he pointed at it and said, “Timmy!”

What puzzles me is the context of his terror. He loves to get into the bath. He anticipates it with smiling glee, as it fills. It’s an indoor paddling pool, to him.

He doesn’t appear to have a fear of water, per se. He likes to splash in it, pour it out of cups, and feel it run over his fingers. He’ll even sit calmly while it’s poured over his head, when some will inevitably run over his face.

But he absolutely will not lie down in it. This makes it impossible to clean hair that has in it a week’s worth of sweat, slime and sandpit grit. This is the kind of muck that pouring a cup of water over the top of does not shift.

So I did what seemed to be the only option: held him down, pinned in place in his contraption of death, and washed his hair as fast as I could…while hoping he wouldn’t remember it with psychological scarring, later.

I was securely holding him the whole time, but despite this he remained completely rigid, his neck locking his head above the waterline in preemptive rigor mortis. And the screams. Oh, the screams. He probably wasn’t aware I was talking to him at all, so forceful were his screams.

It was suggested to me that I try washing him in the shower, where he can stay upright.

I tried it. Once. Apparently it’s a bigger assault than the bath.

There’s no love lost though, after each bath. As soon as he’s out, he’s smiling and happy to hug me from the safety of his towel. That speaks of either slow memory or quick forgiveness.

I can’t trust either one to stay, can I?

There’s only one thing I can do. I’m resigned to letting the dust of the ages gradually conceal every inch of him. He’ll be the fascination of archaeologists worldwide, as they discover many intriguing artefacts within the Timmy Time-Capsule. He will be a walking museum; the subject of research and historical documentaries. His buried treasures will increase in financial value with time and with global human interest.

Thus my retirement is paid for.